Epileptic on trt personal journal – page 3

No real number for TT except 800-1000 roughly. With labs being in range a side of me says leave it where it is but long term I’m not sure that’s to good. I also have nipplesoreness so I think dropping test is better than raising my AI. I think I will probably taper down. Shoot these labs to IncreasemyT and see what the doc says.

My estrogen isn’t back yet. My primary care doctor told me he has 1,200 patients on his list . . . Haha . . So he might not actually call me with the level because I am having a copy mailed to me and my TRT is outside the VA so it’s basically me and IncreasemyT. Gave me a warning about keeping testoserone elevated and said he disagreed with it and see him next year if nothing comes up.

Added Dec 19th: The last two weeks I haven’t ate my 3,500 calories. 2,200-2,700 a day probably.

I weighed 162 this morning after eating breakfast and drinking coffee. Down some pounds. My memory has been worse the last week and my mood has seems down. Not sad just not as happy this week. That’s the wife’s observations. Looking back my thinking hasn’t been as clear and I have been getting distracted. The drop in eating comes from me snoozing my good alarms to do something real quick and not eating. My symptoms and problems are difficult to seperate from medications side effects and temporal love epilepsy side effects but not eating enough is never good for me. If anyone wonders why I have such a problem it’s basically a feeling of a high pressure hollowness. I keep my stomach slightly tightened at all times because relaxing it make my stomach feel uncomfortably full. . . . Even tho it’s empty. It’s some weird thing with this medication (clobazam). Other epileptic drugs have basically gave me the munchies. Benzos play around in a lot of places and as a drug class possibly lower GH output. Grenlin receptors or something maybe.

anastrozole increased to 1.5mg wk for the high estrogen. I take .25mg day 6 days a week. Sunday off of AI. Started this new AI dose Jan 19th. Nipplesoreness is almost gone now. I have ran 160mg wk the last couple weeks because I thought I had over pulled and was going to come up short. Vial looked pretty low for another 2 weeks eyeballing it. I would have been a little short on the last shot but not what I thought. I thought i might be a full shot short. Ended up with a heavy shot the last pull from the vial. Worked out good as the kids were with their grandma for the weekend!! I also have HCG pre-loads that are a little heavy dosed. I took one of those as well. Kid free weekend and all . . . . Placebo effect on me might have happened but it was commented I "seemed longer" . My libido was up, stamina was up and orgasm intensity was up. Wife was changing outfits getting ready for vacation. I thought I was going to faqin die. Only thing she kept on was underwear and she tried on everything from jeans and skirts to swimming suits. It might as well have been some strip show compilation.

I’ve noticed I look leaner and have more definition. Vascularity is up. I’ve lost about 2 lbs give or take. I’ve developed some acne on my back and upper arms. Seems weird with lower doses of test the last 3 weeks and reduced estrogen but it is what it is what it is. Skipping showers during the summer camping or to many days with sun screen can cause my back to get pimples. I’m "greasy" by nature.

I’ve realized I’m losing track of where I injected last. I use my love handle area and stomach. I’m thinking of adding IM quads to spread the test out. I’m sticking myself close to the same area once a week roughly. Only being 1/2 ml sub-q I am pretty liberal with area of injection. If I can pinch it, it gets pinned.

I have PTSD/hyper vigilance/social anxiety that has been pretty intense for years. With the Low T and high E I maintained composure but constantly waited for something to happen and had violence in my mind. I was once asked about it and why I didnt leave situations amd my resppnce was "What do you do when youre being mortared? You sit there and wait till it’s over. Where the fuck you gonna go?" Haha

I felt ok going through air port security. I took my hCG and test a day early just to avoid taking it with me. It would have got ugly If security was trying to take my vial of test. I also felt good in the plane and walking around Florida beaches.

I still had "anxiety", constantly looked around and watched for potential problems. "Hypervigilance". I didn’t have the "lesser than" feeling or the "fear". It’s hard to call it anxiety or fear compared to leaving a base in Iraq. Institutionalization and training doesn’t go away upon discharge.

I felt good. Aware but relaxed. If something would have happened all I could do was respond. No constant "what if" Pre-TRT I would have been a mess. Probably not ate. It was way outside my comfort zone (my house) and out in a completely unknown area for 4 days. The beach, aquarium, resturaunts bar. I had a beer with dinners.

I think physically HPTA suppression is full scale. Testicle size fluctuates with HCG and the extra day between shots from vacation left my boys pretty small. They definitely wouldn’t be there without HCG. Even plumped after HCG they are smaller. Benzo can cause desensitization of leydig cells. I’m not to concerned. Ive never had a woman at all concerned with my testicle size . . . . Just saying . . Haha. Ejaculate volume not sure. Seems there regardless of size. Also not really relevant.

I didn’t even notice my achy knee, shoulder and back had went away until they returned with the lower estrogen. Libido is a little lower. Erections are fewer. I thought I might have crashed my estrogen but libido is still attached to injection timing for peaks. I do wish I had a healthy T level. Since I’ve been 16 I’m been a horn dog and had erections constantly. I think now it’s the sedative effects of my seizure meds. I don’t know if I ran in the top of the range for test. I don’t know where my E was. He is there when I need him and I can masturbate so it’s ok. 6 months ago I couldn’t get it up myself and had issues with the wife.

I have found out TRT can be a scape goat and blamed. "Since you started you’re" –mean, emotional, emotionless, stricter with the kids, argue more ect. One thing said was "changing day to day" . . . . I wasn’t arguing so I didn’t say "well actually normal test changes everyday, over the course of the day, and my hormones are actually more stable". 🙂

I am different I’m sure. I went from low T to maxing levels T. But I’m not mad or in a bad mood. Maybe / probably more assertive and persistent but I’ve been in a good mood. I believe it’s my tone of voice. I’ve also been through over 12 seizure meds which have caused swing from depressed and crying to rage and one that caused a pendulum from spit flying rage to bawling and back to rage. I can understand the wife having reservations, being sensative to changes in me and leaning to blame them. I think it’s post vacation blues. Florida to snow had us all a little down. 🙂

I went from limp, "depressed", unmotivated homebody with sore boobs struggling to keep the house clean to now. I’ve helped coach the youngest boys wrestling, lift pretty regular, eating, redid front doorway, painted 2 bedrooms, painted kitchen, fixed floor in a bedroom, fixed/redid shower to fix a problem with shower/ replaced bent copper with Pex and am currently replacing stove vent/hood. Im not me 4 years ago but I’m getting back.

I feel an obligation to put my experience out there. Epilepsy and the meds almost ***ned my life. If my wife didnt love me so much she would have left. I’m lucky she is a strong woman. I scoured the internet for other epileptics and their stories. I just knew I couldn’t be the only guy who’s life was falling apart. I found zero info except statistics and studies. Basically stuff like I put in my epilepsy thread. I just couldn’t believe epileptic males weren’t being tested for and treated with HRT/TRT. It seemed the sexual dysfuntion and mood changes was a secret except when telling a doctor. Then only if asked directly or something. I guess men hiding these things and masking them with anger is common. It’s one of those "if this can help one guy" things. Hopefully more. I hope dudes with epilepsy see this and see my thread with references and fight for their testosterone. If a doc won’t listen click the banner in my signature and just go for it!

Damn it I deserve confidence, no tits, erections and happiness!!! A man shouldn’t have to choose between seizures and those in this day and age. I had told my wife once I would rather die from epilepsy (i almost did once) than continue living like I was.

Originally I ate better and as the higher testosterone levels took effect eating was less work. By work, I mean eating is a chore for me. I can best explain it as eat a meal till you are full. After a while you’ll hit a point where the fullness is gone but to eat isnt something you’d do, because you are full. I always feel like that. I didn’t realize I did it but my wife says I "have a face" when I’m choking down food. It can also be compared to stimulants effect on hunger, except I’m sedated. I have went till dinner at 6pm, from 6am, and never felt hungry often. I’ll become shaky, weak and feel confused. Sick almost, and I realize I haven’t ate. Any medication that has stopped my seizures has suppressed my appetite. I’m back at that point. I had dropped to about 157lbs @ 3 wks ago. I am 160lbs now.

I resort to fat and junk food. I’ve realized point blank if I’m not gaining weight, I’m not eating enough. I think that dietary question has been resolved. Fat or mass, if we’re eating enough to gain, we WILL gain one or both. Myself and other "hardgainers" have to do the 12 step thing and first admit we dont eat enough. "I, Mycelium, dont eat enough." haha

As a way of adding more calories I’ll do things like add a pack of poptarts to something. Its like 400 crap sugar calories. I can eat it in about 45 seconds with a glass of water, or better whole milk. I will just eat a Tbl spn of olive oil, coconut oil.

My memory is weird. I tend to stay on task, but medium and the long term are still bad. During the course of a day I will recall things from the morning as "yesterday". I quickly lose track of when things happened in reference to "the past". I know what day of the week is because of my medication container and ritualistic refilling. If I miss a days medication I can run a day behind for a couple days. Kids are getting ready for Monday school, but I’m taking the pills in Sundays slot. I still constantly lose my coffee.

I am doing a lot more than before with the same medication so I believe reducing estrogen and raising testosterone HAS raised my seizure threshold. Even undereating. I think my recent seizures are my body telling me point blank I’m not eating enough and not taking care of myself. A medication increase is gonna happen. 20mg clobazam 2x day.

I’m far better off on TRT. With anything the ripples flow out and my entire household is better. But I’m hoping other epileptic males suffering will find this so the more information I can provide the better. This isnt a commercial promising paradise, this is a log. Real life.

2018 I have finished a pool pad, set up the pool, tore down a shed, cutting down trees, got my unfinished basement to partially drywalled, landscaped the yard and did several family events during the hottest days. Changed a water pump in the car, wheel bearings and upper control arms in the truck.

I am fortunate enough I get VA disability, but I lose $2,000-4000 per month sitting on disability. I was a licensed and insured contractor yet acted like a free agent semi skilled laborer for several large contractors and did easy side jobs. Once emptied an apartment in 2 hours with my wife and cleared about $3,200! I got $18 an hour crowning every board on a jobsite one day. I sent 5 hours in a lift with setting trusses. I had a contractor pay me to show up an hour early and set up the jobsite. Life was good. haha Convenience employee with their own insurance that is completely tax deductible.